Fuck you, group projects and fuck you hard. Literally every
week thus far I’ve been involved in some kind of group since the start of the
semester. I don't want to interact with anyone else ever, stop trying to make it happen. Just let me stare at the clock and count the minutes until I can leave.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become somewhat less shitty at
public speaking. Still not enthusiastic about the idea and still hope a meteor
crashes into the room right before my turn, but I can get through a
presentation alright. A personal one, I mean. Group presentations make
me nervous and I’m sudden back in third grade having a panic attack because I
don’t know if I’m going to mesh with the group or if everyone will pinpoint and
focus on my mistakes. Even then I knew how painfully awkward I was. Third
grade. For serious.
There was a moment in the terrible 'trying to put everything
together' phase where I realized I might have done mine horribly, horribly
wrong. From that point on, I was in the state of nauseated nervousness, obsessing
on what I could say to redeem myself.
Luckily the rest of the group was at the same level of “I hope
this is right” confusion, so at least it would be homogenous. A guy in the
group admitted that he was also extremely awkward in every aspect of life. One
of us made a joke about awkward hugs, so I mimed my best version… at the same
time he did. We were both unsure of what to do. We did the lean into it, lean
away, what the shit are you doing, what the shit am I doing, why is this
happening, I hate everything that’s ever led up to this moment, please God drop
a meteor right now.
It ended up as the weirdest hug- a side hug with me tapping
the outside of his arm, him tapping one of my shoulders, the other arm just in the
air in my direction.
Save room for Jesus!
Presentation- I haven’t been that apprehensive about public
speaking for a long time. I kept telling myself to chill out, be kinda normal
for 90 seconds. It wasn’t working out well. My inner voice was getting pissed
at my actual voice and I think my frustration crept out. Most of the people in
class had the same weird look on their faces the longer I was standing. Then
the professor kept asking questions and I couldn’t comprehend what she wanted
me to say, so I just kept talking, hoping she’d leave me alone ASAP.
Then that lying son of a bitch started explaining his part.
Where was the awkwardness now, motherfucker? He was charismatic and downright
charming. He had the perfect joke timing. I immediately hated him. I was under
the impression we had solidarity in our inept social skills.
When it was over I asked a joking question (really a snide
comment with a joking tone so I wouldn’t be obviously bitchy) about where that
awkwardness went. He said public speaking is the only thing he’s comfortable
with; it’s everything else he’s not. I don’t know if I believe him.
But then again, there was that hug…
Jesus could’ve danced between us in the amount of space
there was. Time stopped in the worst possible way and took eons to start again.
I don’t know if I can stress how uncomfortable and freakishly long moment that was.
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