me + caffeine = death

I am exhausted. I have no idea why. All I know is it really sucks. I managed to stay awake all day today (miraculously), but yesterday I fell asleep twice during the day, three times the day before that. I have finally been able to sleep lately, but it isn't helping at all. Fuck this.

Have some coffee. Get an energy drink. Do various drugs.

I wish, I wish. Except the drug thing; that's not me. That also isn't my point. Normal people can and usually do one of those things to stay awake. I am not normal- I can't handle caffeine. For serious, I can't. I want to- I really, really do. Life would be so much easier, but I can't. I lose my shit. No one ever believes how bad I say I am when I have caffeine.

I. LOSE. MY. SHIT.

My friend (let's call him Asshole) had been bugging me for almost a month to try this "all natural, non-energy" energy drink. So this one day he's over while I'm trying to write a very important paper for class and he won't leave me alone. I eventually drank the damn thing just to get him to shut up. This was quite possibly the worst decision of my life. It didn't kick in for about ten minutes, but when it did I couldn't stop spazzing out. I became a fucking psycho. I was twitching worse than I can describe and shout-rambling the same thing at a thousand miles an hour, over and over and over and over.

"HOLYFUCKWHYDIDYOUDOTHISTOMEYOUASSHOLEINEEDTOFINISHTHISPAPERANDICAN'TSITSTILLINEEDTOEATSOMETHINGTOBALANCETHISBUTIDON'TKNOWWHATTOEATBECAUSEMYTUMMYHURTSINEEDTHEPAPERTO...

I'd stop mid-sentence and space out entirely for a few seconds before continuing...

"DOWEHAVEOATMEALIT'LLABSORBTHISI'MTALKINGTOOLOUDLYANDICAN'TSTOPWHYHAVEN'TYOUHITMEYETWHYDIDYOUDOTHISTOMEASSHOLE..."

Repeat that another six times... at least. The first few minutes Asshole thought it was great and the best thing ever. Mom told me to calm the fuck down (those exact words). She tried force feeding me, but my stomach hurt because of that stupid drink. After about fifteen solid minutes of that intense rant, Asshole realized the seriousness of his mistake. I couldn't shut up. My heart was exploding. Asshole apologized for not realizing I meant I physically can't handle caffeine.

Mom glared at Asshole, pointed at me (practically seizing) and said "this is your damn fault. Look what you did. You're responsible for that now. I hope you're happy." He apologized to her and then again to me.

At some point I forced myself to be somewhat quieter, but anyone could see there was something seriously wrong with me. Mom almost cancelled her dinner plans with her friends just so she could make sure I didn't really lose my mind. This made me feel terrible- emotionally, I was already feeling terrible physically- and I tried talking as slowly and distinctly as possible. It was infinitely weirder than the yelling thing.

"noooo moooooom III aammmmmm fiiiiiiinnnne. I wiiilll bbbbeeeee OOOOOOOOOOOkaayy. Eye'm aaaaallreadyyyyy bbeeeeter."

She stared at me, shook her head, and turned to Asshole again and said it was his fault and that "space cadet" (me) is his responsibility. He apologized again to both of us. She left and he helped me sit on the couch, where I immediately curled into the fetal position. I could talk normally by that point; I told him I hated him, he apologized. I told him he should've listened, he apologized. Then Asshole apologized again... and again. I started blabbering and ended up crying. Literally, borderline weeping.

In the span of a few hours, I went from non-stop yelling and twitching -> talking like an idiot -> crying in the fetal position.

Granted, this is with a very large dose on an empty stomach, but this has happened with smaller amounts on a somewhat smaller scale. However, I'm fine with soda or half a cup of coffee (maybe a third of a starbucks tall). That is my absolute limit before things get weird. This is only funny in retrospect; it was scary at the time for everyone involved.

"hey sexy mama...wanna kill all humans?"

There's this new game on my phone I am absolutely addicted to called "Plague Inc." It's the passive aggressive way to kill everyone you hate and then some!

Allow me to back up and explain that like a sane person. You name a disease and unleash it upon the world. The more people it infects, the more points you get to either make it spread faster/better, make the symptoms worse and more deadly, and/or prevent it from being cured. That's a pretty bad description, but I recommend it. 

The point is, you win when you kill all of humanity. It's disturbingly gratifying when you think about it. I think part of the appeal for me is being able to name what kills everyone. For example, here is a list of the names I've used, highest to lowest score. I lost after the first few.

sunshine
Dafuq
Icky
Love 
Rawr!
cookies
stop fart
UberNo
rawr
kindness (I was so disappointed I didn't kill everyone with this)
Noooooooo
new stuff
oh snap
shit (also wish I had won this)
sickyface
dinosaurs
rape (my friend was playing, he named it)
sarcasm
cum (the same aforementioned friend)
tired
time kill

...I have insomnia. Don't judge me.

I'm waiting for when I get to be absolutely amazing at this game so I can name the disease after myself. "Lauren has wiped out humanity."

I meant for that to sound funny, but my sense of humor doesn't always translate well in written form. That just sounded unbelievably fucking creepy. It's also made me seem like the biggest dick on the face of the planet before, but... I can't stop myself. So as a warning, if something seems like a terrible thing no human should ever say, there's a very good chance I'm being sarcastic. 

On a completely unrelated note- I have a guest spot on my lovely friend's blog you should check out if you are so inclined:

my guest blog