There's a definite scale of laughter volume:
silent (but still smiling, maybe a shoulder shake)
a slight "I think they're laughing"
somewhat louder (within normal range)
normal volume
loud
... then there's me.
It's not like I have a weird laugh, it's just far too loud.The truly unfortunate thing about this is that it's an enormous contrast to my everyday speech. I'm fairly quiet, which makes this even more startling. I've had people stare at me in public for my explosive laughter.
I made one of my nephews cry- several times- because my laughter scared him so badly. I think he's gotten used to it, but I still try to hold back a bit. This isn't the one who cried at the ugly faces I make. That was a different one. I'm such an amazing aunt :/
There's also my strange, often inappropriate, sense of humor. After 20+ years I've just barely started to catch myself before I make a death/corpse/hell/heaven/jesus/zombie joke at funerals. I don't realize how many times I reference any of those on a daily basis until I say something horrible that will send me to hell. There! I just mentioned going to hell. I shouldn't be allowed to talk.
For instance- I commented to my friend about Paris being the absolute worst place for a zombie attack because their entire city is built on dead people. Mountains of them, thanks to the black plague (seriously, look it up. Galveston as well, thanks to the storm of 1900). Even the way I phrased that proves I'm a terrible person. I made a "joke" that I'd definitely be the first to be killed in a zombie attack...
I said this while we were physically in the cemetery at a funeral.
For her aunt.
Cause I'm an asshole.
I'm unbelievably grateful that she wasn't offended and loves zombies. We stood off to the side and discussed what we would do if the attack happened at this exact moment. I still feel like an ass.
Back to my volume control problem- aside from the occasional stares in public, I can come across as insincere or like I'm a suck-up. There was a job interview where the boss made a joke- it was funny- but it was one where there was only need for a slight laugh. My laugh was quiet by my standards, too loud by their standards.
I get that comment "it wasn't that funny" a lot. Thanks for making me feel even more uncomfortable than I do on a regular basis.
I have to be very careful about what I read/watch in public if I think it's getting too funny for me to control myself. There's this one book ("Let's Pretend This Never Happened") that I truly wish I hadn't read in public. It was hilarious. I nearly died trying to keep myself in check. Don't get me wrong- I still looked weird as shit. I was rocking back and forth, shoulder shaking, couldn't breathe, unnaturally large smile. Basically either epileptic or the mutant in a horror movie bursting out of the human it was possessing. Terrifying.
Now I have step back from whatever hilarious situation I'm witnessing and give myself enough time to stop laughing unnaturally hard or loud. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Lately I only look insane. Baby steps.
