Great Awesome Resume Time

So I've never had the balls to send off the kind of resume I have always wanted to write. This is pretty much what it would look like:

Lauren Wait-For-It [Last Name]

Objective
It should be obvious I want to be eye candy for your business. I mean, seriously, just look at me. I'd totally take me home.

Cool Shit I Can Do

• I have a mesmerizing smile. Reread that "eye candy" part.
• I can name all 50 states in under 30 seconds. Alphabetically. Suck it.
• I can bake like you wouldn't believe- bread from scratch. I made cinnamon buns that were so fucking awesome my brother thought they were store bought.
• Need someone to make ugly faces? Look no further. I made my nephew cry.
• I can be so awkward I scare annoying customers off. I will only use this skill for good though (you know, with great power comes great responsibility).
• I'm responsible.
• I know the difference between your and you're; their, there, and they're.
• I can cuss like a champ when I'm pissed off.
• I make awkward faces when I laugh that make other people laugh. My laugh is also very loud, which makes the workplace seem better than it really is. Or more uncomfortable. Whichever.

My Amazing Life Thus Far
Research Assistant

• assisted with research...
• looked up facts and important things. From books, not just google. BAM!
• entered that info in computers in between facebook and youtube

Secretary

• put papers in places
• had conversations with people on the phone AND in person
• sent non-death threat emails

Retail (no one cares what kind, it's all basically the same thing)

• sold stuff
• pretended I cared
• smiled and looked pretty

Still Not Convinced?

That's ridiculous. You already know I'm hands down the best- nay, the ONLY person for this job. Burn all the other resumes. They are not wanted. Ever. Tell those people they will never match my level of awesome and they should give up their hopes and dreams.

I'll be back tomorrow so you can hire me on the spot. Btw, I look great in red.