My computer is a whore

Or my internet is a bitch. Whichever, probably both.

Wireless internet is great in theory, and if you have a good system it's fantastic. Mine can go to hell. Seriously. I'm two feet away from the "wireless" thing and I have half a bar. It's like the stars have to be in the right position for it to do its job correctly. This is bullshit. My attention span isn't long enough to wait twenty fucking minutes to watch a four minute video. I need stupid cat videos and music videos and endless hours of facebook! I need uber fast speed and multiple tabs open in the off-chance I'll quickly do something productive (e-mail?) in the midst of my shenanigans.

It doesn't help thats it's two in the morning, so I'm tired and everything is pissing me off more than usual. And my big fat fatty fat fat cat Danny got in my lap- who I love- but he only used me to scratch his face. Of course he's never satisfied with what amount of time I'm giving him, so he claws my damn hand to keep me there. I don't know how or why his claws are so sharp but dear god! The cool part about that is I'm anemic, so those scratches will never ever heal...

Thanks to mr. fat here taking my hand, I've been typing one handed. When HE decided I was done scratching his face, he just slumped into my hand, not even trying to hold himself up, and has been putting his whole damn weight in my hand. This entire post has been one-handed. I've had to switch once, but I haven't written any with both hands- not even the title. I'm just that dedicated. Or pissed. Who am I kidding? I'm Irish- I'm always double dedicated when I'm pissed.

For the record, this has taken 24 minutes to write, thus far.

... Will there be food involved?

I hate parties. Ask anyone- I'm not a particularly social person, so parties aren't my thing. I don't have the energy. I can fake it for a while, depending on crowd size. A rough estimate:

A small group of close friends = 8-10 hours.
A large group of good friends = 6 hours.
Large group where I know one or two people = 4
Small group with one or two acquaintances = 2 1/2 (tops)

Though there are some deciding factors:

Alcohol. This can make things better or worse... drastically. There's the amount available/ consumed and how people react at different levels of intoxication. Luckily the majority of my people don't get super drunk, or at least can keep their shit together. Only one that I immediately thought of is an angry drunk. Most are happy, non-assholes.

Dancing. Depends on the music. Or age group of people. Or my mood.

Karaoke. I have a love/hate relationship with karaoke. I love singing and I'm pretty good, but I'm really bad at karaoke. My friends always insist- forcefully- that I sing. I'm not a loud person, so when I get the mic, the sound guy thinks there's something wrong with the machine and tries to fix it. Things get awkward.

Animals. If there is a pet involved I will stay longer. Yes, I am that person playing with the dog instead interacting with humans. I have stayed at social gatherings if I hear that there is some animal somewhere in the area in the hopes that it will be released soon. Yes, I am that pathetic.

Food. Truly, this is the deciding factor in party going if I am on the fence. The have been times where I purposely didn't eat in preparation so I would be forced to attend something I didn't want to for the food. Terrible motivation, but it almost always works. Though I will admit, once I was avoiding a social thing so bad that I almost passed out from not eating. It was not one of my prouder moments...

If there's anything I've learned in my life thus far, it's that parties can be tolerated for food. I have the soul of a fat kid.

I'm going on a throat punching spree.

For serious. I'm just gonna start throat punching everyone in charge of anything on campus. Guess who fucked me over this time? Phi Theta Fucking Kappa. AGAIN! How many times do they have to fuck with me? Don't they have someone- anyone- else to jerk around and royally piss off?!

Remember my backstory of sneaking into the original ceremony, trying to pay to be official, getting shot down, fighting those bitches for a fucking year to get in only for my dad? Yeah, let's add to that.

So, I had anticipated having to pay for the nerd club stole/tassel/whatever shit because nothing is ever free anymore. I hadn't expected it to be as expensive as it is- the stole is $20, the fucking tassel is $10. How do you justify charging that much for a wad of string and a plastic tag of the year? Those together are almost as much as the cap and gown were. I can't not get them because, just like being in the nerd club, is important to my dad. I feel guilty spending that much on this crap that has no sentimental value for me, but... it is what it is.

Back to the bitches- I have to be given a fancy membership card and number to log into the stupid website where THEY (the manufacturers) double check to make damn sure you're really in PTK. I have to be approved by the counselor woman again, even though I already paid and am a member. She has to verify it before the PTK people will let me buy their fancy crap.

Just shove it.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

...I could do it for you. Your choice.

Also, while I wait for the shit-head office person to verify they FINALLY let me the fuck in, I'm losing time from the website. That's right- I have to order this shit online from that one fucking site. Then, because those PTK bitches didn't tell me I couldn't buy the decorative stuff from the campus bookstore (like I could for the cap and gown), I'm going to have pay a lot more to get rush delivery and just hope I get this crap in time.

I have 6 days (including today). I can't buy anything until I can get them to verify, but I have to wait until Monday to sort this out/buy the crap with hopefully next day shipping. It is Saturday. Graduation is Friday. I have 5 days and I'm not sure if they have rush delivery.

I hate those fucking bitches.

Also, they won't announce me as Lauren Waitforit McCaskill, as I had written in on the graduation announcement paper. It said "your preferred name." That is what I preferred. Again, you may shove it.

The ONLY thing that takes me from 'kill mode' into 'violently maim everyone mode,' is that they will announce that I'm PTK, despite not really being in when I was told that I technically graduated. So, worst case scenario, dad will hear I'm in the nerd club, even if I don't look fancy.

But the pictures with the fancy crap makes it look official. I won't have to explain this long ass story of really being accepted, sneaking in, rejected, blah, blah, blah... It'll be at a glance I'm fancy.

In summary- fuck you bitches and shove it. Hard. Cross one more line and I will maim you.

Hypochondriac

I'm always convinced I'm dying. It's pathetic, really. I've gotten better, but for the longest time stomach ache = cancer and exceptional headache = brain tumor. I do have legitimate migraines, but that explanation didn't sound dramatic enough. The internet is a dangerous tool for hypochondriacs.

Recently I firmly believed I had a kidney stone. This wasn't just me being a whiney brat. I resisted going on webmd for the longest time, trying not to move as my lower back felt like it was being squeezed in a vice. It hurt to breathe and even my shirt touching me was horrible. I was damn near crying by the time I texted my brother's girlfriend (who has had kidney stones on 2 separate occasions) to ask how it felt. She said uber pain in mid to lower back and that standing/sitting made it worse. She said call mom and possibly go to the hospital.

Mom and dad were downtown with their friends and hadn't taken their car, so they were stuck. Mom said call someone to drive me to an emergency clinic. Luckily my friend Courtney was available. We got to the place and she had to fill out the paperwork for me.

As it turns out, kidneys are further up than most people think- the bottom of the rib cage, more or less. Mine was bottom of rib cage down to my hips, all the way across my back. This wasn't a kidney stone, just severe back muscle spasms. Either way, this shit wasn't cool. I got a painkiller shot in the butt that helped a little... after a while. I always thought people were whining about that shot hurting. How much worse could it be than a normal needle? A lot, that's how much! Admittedly my pain tolerance is on the low scale, but Courtney said the needle was huge and the nurse left it in longer than necessary.

That helped just enough so walking didn't feel like death, but I still opted to lay down in Courtney's car on the drive home. I got two bottles of pain killer/muscle relaxers and a mystery bottle I still have no idea what it's for. I only used them for the first 2 days afterwards, mostly sticking to a heating pad and not moving.

The bummer is I'm (truly) anemic, so that spot where I was shot bruised and still is... a week later. Almost a month ago I tripped over and fell on (in one flailing motion) my nephew's walker and bruised the shit out of my knees. They're still there. Faint, but there.

This means my butt bruise is never going to heal :[

Pet Peeves

I need a moment to bitch about everything and everyone. Some things in no particular order:

• Go the speed limit or faster. Seriously, it's Texas people. Speed limits are a suggestion- go the fuck faster.
• Don't talk during movies. I don't care if it's in public or at someone's house, just shut your face and watch.
• Don't chew with your mouth open, smack when you chew, or talk with your mouth full (unless you cover with your hand, I can accept that).
• It's liBRARY, not liBERRY. You can't eat it.
• ASK, not AXE.
• Seen verses saw. 
• Your, not UR. Also, your is vastly different than you're.
• Definite and defiant are not interchangeable. 
• Angry birds. I don't know why, I just do.
• Jersey Shore, 16 and pregnant, and any reality show vaguely like that. 
• Religious zealots. It doesn't matter which religion, don't cram it down my throat. If I have questions about yours, I'll ask. Likewise, if you have questions about mine, I'll answer. I have a religion; you have one. Congrats and go away.
• Vanity plates. Way to be a douche.
• Bumper stickers. I hate them almost as much as vanity plates. I'm not sure why on that one either.
• Homophobes. I'm straight, but I have several gay friends that are fantastic people.
• Don't tell me the end of books.
• Don't break spines of books. Also don't fold a lot of pages. A few is fine, but if it's every few pages, get a damn bookmark.
• Saying gay or retarded instead of shitty or terrible.
• The words fag, pussy, or cunt. I felt uncomfortable typing them, honestly.
• If people don't hold the door open for someone else- especially for old people or women with children/strollers. I judge very strongly on that. If a person doesn't say thank you to the person holding the door (especially if it's me).
• Joan Rivers, Jimmy Kimmel, Tom Cruise and Jimmy Fallon. I'm not fond of Katie Holmes.
• Twilight and Stephanie Meyers.
• Twilight fans. Go die please.
• People who are mean to waiter(esses) for no reason.
• Girls dressing like sluts.
• Kim Kardashian

I'm not an angry person. I'm sick, so everything that irritates me is coming out full swing. It's like every 2 weeks I get sick, better, sick, better, sick... 

Alright, I'm done ranting. I'm going to go die now.

I graduated?

So... apparently I graduated in December and no one told me. I was under the impression I had to apply for graduation so the people in the office wouldn't have to do their jobs (which is usually the case) or it wouldn't go through in time or some nonsense like that. Considering I had to fight for TWO semesters to have my ballet class count as a PE class, I expect the worst when it comes to anything that might be bureaucratic.

I went to the main office today with two goals- be officially accepted into Phi Theta Kappa and apply for graduation with a paper that says I'm in the nerd club. For the record, I really don't care about being in phi theta kappa. I really really don't. The scholarships are cool and people who care about gpa and other nonsense will be impressed that I'm "super smart." In reality I started college with no life and am generally a good bullshitter, evidence to follow.

Why would I find the need to be accepted now? Because my dad already thinks I'm in. He'd be crushed if he found out I'm not a documented super nerd. In truth, I have been invited almost every semester, I just never paid. If this sounds like I'm bragging, I'm sorry. It isn't my intention. This is just to provide validity to this story.

See, what had happened was I snuck into the PTK commencement ceremony a while back. The computer the announcer people were using completely died and the pamphlets already had left several of the *actual* paying member's names off. The opportunity presented itself and I went for it. Someone said my name, I walked, I signed the book, and I am in photos. Originally, I went to support my friend who was there for the legitimate reason. She off-handedly commented how disorganized everything was and how someone could lie about being a part of it. She created a monster without realizing her mistake.

The next day I tried to pay and fix my lie, but the woman in charge told me there was no record of me paying (duh. I then lied about having issues with my bank and being willing to pay at that moment) and she basically told me the deadline was over and fuck off.

I dropped the issue and was content with only having my story and various evidence of my bullshit. I told mom (and my brothers, everyone thought this escapade was hilarious), but then she said dad can't find out or he'd be disheartened.

Today I paid and am officially in the nerd club. I talked to the graduation control woman and she said I already graduated. It took about five minutes to clear the confusion. The school just computes the classes you've finished in whatever degree you registered with and if you passed. I'm retaking my last class, but since I passed last semester the computer decided I was done.

The bummer of this situation is that because I hadn't paid last semester while I was still technically a student, I don't get the fancy PTK stamp on my diploma. The good thing is I can still wear all the decorate crap when I walk at the graduation ceremony... which they only have in May.

This kinda killed my thunder for graduating. There is no excitement. Granted, I hadn't expected an emotional outburst, but still... I don't have any discernible reaction. There should be something, but I don't know what. I know I don't have it though. I'm going to get my actual diploma in the mail, supposedly end of next month- like a late birthday present!

None of this will feel real until I actually do the whole "walk across the stage in a long, boring ceremony where everyone wants to go home." Even then...



[update: I just got my diploma in the mail today. The school timeline is far different than my own.]

Ferris Wheel Day

Commonly, today is Valentine's Day, V-day, Singles Awareness Day, Let's Get Fat Day, Let's have Crazy Sex Night, whatever. I feel somewhat obligated to voice my opinion on the matter.

I am not a romantic, so loving Valentine's Day isn't an option. I'm single, so I can't say I hate it (or that I don't even like it) because then it's an automatic assumption that I'm just bitter, perhaps even a bitch.

For the most part, I am indifferent. I have moments during the day where I either love or hate it, but neither feeling stays long enough to make a significant effect. The only times I've even been measurably happy is when a special outfit or fancy food is involved. Case in point- a super cute skirt one year in high school when everyone thought I was weird and no guy had the slightest interest in me. I looked very pretty the first year with my ex-boyfriend; the following year I made a kick-ass cheesecake for us. Last year one of my best friends took me on a picnic because we were both single and she decided she would be my valentine in a non-lesbian way.

Bad V-days are pretty generic, so none of those stories matter. They all just blend together. I've never been dumped on this day, so at least there's that.

The only clear-cut good thing about Valentine's day is my dad. He always- without fail- gets me one of those heart shaped boxes of chocolates and a cute card. Even terrible V-days have that one bright moment.

So this year, as with every year, I'm going to end up eating too many chocolates at once so I get a stomach ache and make some cavities. I suggest doing that.



Today is also Ferris Wheel Day. I prefer that.